Sometimes unconscious is better

Dear reader,

I'm very consciously writing about the “unconscious” and not the “subconscious”. The “subconscious” doesn't exist. It's just what many, sadly also experts for example my professors at university used for the word “unconscious”. Even Wikipedia, otherwise despised by teachers and professors points this out. A search for the "subconscious" does get you to a separate page in english, unlike the german website, which just redirects you to the “unconscious mind” with just a paragraph that the word “unconscious” is just everyday speech. Very correct. There are areas in our mind, doing and perception, which are conscious and others are not conscious. Unconscious. But not subconscious. I will not correct or rebuke anyone about it who is using the word “subconscious”. I find it sad that even experts don't use the correct word. I assume it's because everyone knows what it is anyway. So the “subconscious” and the “unconscious” are used synonymously. I for one will write about the “unconscious” now and in the future and not about the “subconscious”.

One aspect, which got into the consciousness more especially because of Neuro-Linguistic Programming, is gestures, body posture, body position, facial expressions. It's time and again suggested, in order to get good contact with your dialogue partner (rapport), to adjust your own body posture and body position to the one of your partner. For example if the other person is crossing his or her legs, you do the same. Either crossing the same leg over the other, say both crossing the left one over the right or if the other one has the right one over the left, you have your left one over your right.

Outside features are not the only ones you can mirror. Speaking rate and breathing are also things you can match, among other things. Feel free to read up on that some more, if you're interested.

It's important and correct to notice body posture, body position, facial expressions, gestures, speaking rate and all of that. Especially it's important to notice certain signals and perceive them. Even more so when they are expressions of disagreement or otherwise negative. Everyone should be able to see those signs, to be able to prevent unpleasant processes of a discussion, especially when it's a negotiation meeting.

Far too often people forget to mention that mirroring should be used carefully and not be done strictly all the way through in a conscious way throughout a whole meeting, especially not a long one. If you use it too often and for too long to essentially mimic aspects of your partner, it's going to be a silly copy and instead of positive rapport, it'll give the other person a bad feeling at best and he or she will feel offended. Even if the people don't know or notice exactly what you do. I guarantee you that they will at least get a strange feeling.

Personally I'd recommend you to use body posture and that consciously at the beginning of a meeting and once it's going, to just let it flow and keep it going on a more unconscious level, only to be aware of signals, but not to abuse them, only to notice. It can be a lot of fun to have a great talk with another person and to keep it at an unconscious level like that, only to notice consciously how movements and positions are flowing in sync with the other person. It's not only fun to be in a discussion like that, but also to just watch two or more people doing it. All knowledge you could and should have about this to a certain degree, there certainly are reasons why so many things are rather unconscious for us. Some unconscious things are better consciously left unconscious.

In the beginning it can actually help to consciously cheat. I once had to give a talk in an english class. I was very nervous. But I knew enough about body language, to at least give the impression of confidence. At first I was very nervous and very conscious of my body posture. It often helps to fake a body posture to get to the actual feeling. Much like Charlie Brown describes it, as I posted already in my post about “Showing feelings”. My teacher actually gave me that feedback right away that I appeared very confident and sure-footed. She had no idea...

Until next blog,

sarah