Try Not To Try

Dear reader,

there is one thing that I want to write about as a sort of preparation for the topic that I know, some are waiting to read about already.

Today I want to write about the word "try" or "trying". There is a scene in Star Wars, in which Master Yoda is with young Luke Skywalker. They're in this moorland or whatever you call it. Luke's spaceship has gone under there and Yoda told him to take it out with the help of the force only, through the power of the mind. Luke says he'll try. To which Yoda says the famous words of, "Do or do not. There is no try."

Many people know, how I think about "try". If someone doesn't know and uses the word "try" in my presence, I usually tell Master Yoda says hi. Some don't think this is a bad word. They say, "if you don't know if the thing will work or not, you can well say you're trying." Can you? Either it works or it doesn't. If you try and it works, you made it. If you try and fail, you failed. In both cases this is a clearer position than "trying". I think, Master Yoda is right. Either the thing will work out one way or another: positive or negative. To "try" however is an uncertain position in between those and in fact unnecessary. Say, there's a person, who's uncertain if something will work or not, for whatever reason. Even then this person doesn't need to try. It would be far better, especially because of that uncertainty, to get at it with "I'll do it." If something isn't quite right yet and it will fail because of that, then it will fail anyway. A bit more self-confidence, please! A positive attitude works much to make something to well.

To try something means resistance, that something is difficult. Yes, to dare something new can be difficult. I still stick to it: if you have a positive attitude to go with this thing, you have a better chance of succeeding. And something that is bound to fail, will also fail with the best of positive attitudes. So there is no reason to anticipate failure in any way. Lately I told people of the pink elephant and said to them, "If your thoughts are negative, you'll have the pink elephant in your mind, and you don't want that, do you?" (Tag question, by the way! See my last post.)

I practically deleted "try" of my vocabulary. There would be only one exception, in which I would use that word very consciously and where it would be highly effective. If you want that something doesn't work. I'd especially suggest that in hypnosis. For example if you aim for the arm to be stuck and can't be moved, catalepsy, I might say, "Try in vain to move your arm."

While we're on hypnosis, one more thing about the topic of failure in the context of therapy and generally difficult goals: a therapy means work and relapses. Sometimes it doesn't quite work as the therapist and especially the patient wish. Or good resolutions like being thinner or quitting smoking and similar things seem totally destroyed with the first bigger meal or the first cigarette after some time without one. I personally don't have the qualification to do therapy, so I can't give therapies. But I would urge each therapist to anticipate relapses and talk about that in therapy early on. A paradox? First I write about not using the word "try" and now I suggest explicitly talking about failure or rather relapses in therapy before they happen? Yes! Absolutely! Say, someone is depressed. There can be days on which the person feels bad. This happens to not depressed people, too. If the therapist doesn't talk about the possibility of bad days, the person could feel like a complete failure. It would be better to talk about the bad days explicitly and make them part of the therapy process, "You will feel bad on one or two days." What happens, if the person some day feels bad then? Well, it's okay then. The therapist said, I would feel bad one or two days. No problem. What if the therapy ends and the patient is not depressed anymore and didn't have bad days? Even better! The person can be proud, because s/he is better than even the therapist seemed to have thought, who said there will be one or two bad days. The simple anticipation of bad days gives the whole thing a different, a positive view!

By the way, the irish writer Samuel Beckett said the following about failure, "Try again. Fail again. Fail better."

Until next blog,

sarah

On Should, Should Not and Not

Dear reader,

why is it easier to follow "should not" than "should"? "Should not stay up online late at night." Done. I am online late at night. "Should be in bed early." Not really. "Should eat less sweets." A pack of haribo jellybabies last a couple of days at best. "Should eat more fruits and veggies." I'm allergic to some fruits and my guinea pigs eat more veggies than I do. (Okay, we often divide into three.)

I think, part of the answer to that question is in the choice of words, the phrasing. It's similar to asking you "Do not think of a pink elephant." What are you thinking of? Smart people among you may answer with "A blue elephant." Yes, yes... it's a harmless task and everyone smiles about it. But it's less funny when something might happen. Like a mother telling the child, "Do not knock over the glass." I can guarantee you that the possibility of the child knocking over the glass is quite high.

Some say this happens, because we first have to have a positive image in our head of the thing that should not happen. To know that you shouldn't think of a pink elephant, you first have to have a pink elephant in your head. For the child to know not to knock over the glass, she has to see a glass knocked over. In case of the child this is more unconscious than the pink elephant. But still both is in the head.

In german this is relatively harmless so far. English is more complicated. Because the english "not", "knot" and "nod", if spoken the first two are the same and almost undistinguishable from the "nod". What helps is the over all context. For someone where english is a foreign language, the process of "not", "knot" and "nod" and hearing the right one may possibly be more conscious than for someone with english as a native language. In the "right" situation it may still happen that I hear or read other things in the text.

As a hypnotist you can play with that in a beautiful way. There are things called "tag questions". They're easier and more elegant to use in english, I think. In german they don't come across that beautiful. A statement is said and you tag a question to it at the end. A simple thing, isn't it? (In german they're literally called "refrain questions", but the actual refrain isn't there. It's obvious in english though.) To go back to the "knot" from earlier: "It's easy, is it not?" And how did you react to that just now? With a (unconscious) nod? Wonderful!

There's something else, which is called "yes-set" and can be played with and used to manipulate perfectly. Say I want the person sitting with me to agree to a certain thing or be positive about something. I set it up with a bunch of questions or statements, which I know the answer will be "yes" or the person will agree with it. So the person will be programmed to "yes", positive and nodding and eventually will agree to the thing or the statement I want him or her to agree to. But: if someone asks me a chain of questions and I repeatedly say "yes" all the time, I get suspicious. I don't need to be a hypnotist for that. You can vary all that by asking questions in a negative way and the negative will be confirmed. Example: "Kids should really not play with fire." You agree with that statement by shaking your head or saying "no" to confirm it. Although you say "no" or shake your head for "no", you still agree positively to my statement and I keep you in a positive mind-set.

Until next blog,

sarah

My Earworm Theory

Dear reader,
I'm very certain that earworms, that's songs we have stuck in our head for some time and don't get rid of easily, do have a meaning. They're not just songs or parts of songs in the head. Usually they're lyrics and not (just) melodies, we have in our head. Pay attention once to the lyrics, you have in your head then. I believe, our unconscious wants to say something to us with those lyrics and wants to make it conscious through this unnerving loop (or worm in our ear).
Honestly I had one song in my head for one and half a year. I was able to listen to other songs and it was okay. But as soon as I didn't hear anything and something was in my head, for one and half a year it was actually only one song. I better don't tell which one it was. It was a very famous one and can fast be the earworm for many other people. But I'm going to tell you some songs I had in my head from time to time recently. They weren't earworms in a real sense for me, because they weren't totally unnerving, but they were still some lines or some words of songs in the head.
As I was in the process of moving to my own flat, every now and then I had "Settle Down" by No Doubt. The lines "Get get get in line, and settle down / Get in line, and settle down" made sense for moving to another place really. "Settle down" as in "calm down", but also as in "finding a place to live". I was finding a place to live, settling down.
Thanks to a friend of mine (you know who you are), I discovered Tim Minchin the other day. I could have "known" him earlier in fact than only a couple of weeks back. Because one or two years back another friend of mine showed me a with Axes of Awesome, a video of a gig they did at which they did their 4 Chord Song. This is a nice, funny mix of many songs, which all have the same 4 chords (or one of them anyway) and all of them are hits. Particularly this video had all interprets and songs listed in the video. Tim Minchin was also among them towards the end. If I had bothered to listen to the less known or actually unknown interprets "back then", I could have known him way earlier. In any case I know him now and spent the past several days now to watch him and listen to every thing I could get. Obviously this is dangerous for me. Some days back I woke up with one of Tim Minchin's songs in my head and it stayed there for the better part of the day. On friday I was at work and drinking chai latte ginger. It didn't surprise me the least that I had Tim Minchin's "Ginger Song" (earlier versions entitled "Taboo", now it's generally known as "Prejudices") in my head for the whole time and it was impossible for me to get it out until I was finished with the chai latte ginger. Thank you very much. This wasn't funny at all, especially since the song isn't about the plant ginger. It took me a bit of time to realise what it was about. It really wasn't funny. Saturday wasn't any much better, except that the song was different. We were all shopping together and even on the way there a melody and then the text of Tim Minchin's "Canvas Bags" started take shape in my head. And yes, we did have canvas bags with us! Which was what I told myself repeatedly, to get the song out of my head.
Friday was simply unnerving and saturday was at least a better song. I still didn't really bother much to get the songs out of my head on both days. Even though both were unnerving. If I want to get rid of a song, it helps to have another fast song in your head. Sometimes I even whisper the lyrics or hum the melody at a low volume, if the earworm is really unnerving and sticky. What helps me is "Halloween Town" from the movie "Nightmare Before Christmas". Often what I do is I start with the la-la-la-bit towards the end of it and from time to time in my head the chorus starts at one point and then some time later both Halloween Town and the earworm are out of my head. This song, especially my starting point, is fast and fast requires a certain amount of concentration. That usually helps against earworms, to find something where you need to concentrate. I think it also helps, to respect and accept the hints from our unconscious and follow them, as much as it's and if possible.
At the beginning of this year I had to go to a sort of seminar. I didn't feel like it and also was very nervous, even though I had been there the day before. So I knew where I had to go and also knew the people there more or less. I woke up with a sailer's song in my head. I don't remember anymore which it was. The text was something along the lines of "don't be afraid, my love, it'll all be well soon". After a while I would have liked to have another song in my head for a change. But still it was somewhat calming me down - and it was right. As I was there soon it was all well. So earworms are not just something unnerving and above all not meaningless.
Until next blog,
sarah